I was very lucky to have a grandmother who raised me up to what and who I am now. I wish I could turn back time and did things that I wish I had. It was really very painful that we were just a week late in going back to visit her and during that week, God already took her.
Ganito kasi ang nangyari on the month of May. Mama was confined May 3 and that was due to her 3rd attack of stroke. From then on, hindi na siya nakaalis sa hospital so it was planned that we go back to Iligan to visit her. It was supposed to be a weekend but then we still celebrated Mother's Day here in Manila. So sabi namin next week nalang. Came May 17-19, we went to Bohol because my stepdad had his friend treated us to a resort. We asked if okay na kalagayan ni mama, makakarecover na daw and wala daw sakit so pwede na siya umuwi but we insisted to just let her recover more at the hospital. But while we were at Bohol, my cousin sent us a picture of Mama na super skinny and inhaling oxygen through a tube so I got sad and hindi na kami masyadong nakapagenjoy. We thought she was okay na. Good thing pala na hindi muna namin siya pinauwi ng bahay. Came the next weekend, we opted to go to Pangasinan first to pray to Our Lady of Manaoag for Mama's condition. May 24 I was asking na my cousin who was with us to text her brother about Mama's condition. I didn't have the courage to ask them because I was really scared already of what might turn out. May 25 I was really nervous. Basta I can't describe how I feel that night when my tita told me na comatose na si Mama.
At first, hindi kaagad nagsink in sakin. I thought kapag comatose, it was just a kind of stroke na gagaling pa. So dinner that night, I called Rhy to ask. Hindi ako nakikipag-usap with any member of my family because baka maiyak ako and then we're out having dinner but my mom was already silent the whole time so I was really scared to the nth level. *BTW, baka maconfuse kayo, I call my grandmother Mama and my mom as is* Going back, when I asked Rhy, muntik na akong malaglag sa kinauupuan ko when I found out that comatose pala is brain dead na. I cried right then and there pero pinigilan ko pa rin so that no one would notice. I super prayed to God that night na huwag niya munang kunin si Mama and to just let us see her muna before taking her.
The next day I texted my cousin who was with us to text her brother about Mama's condition. I was not really myself that day. Super balisa na ako and couldn't think right. Ang inisip ko nalang was that it was a great timing because Sunday, we're going to church and I could deeply pray for my Mama's recovery. While we were there, I was kinda relieved because I talked to Mama Mary na and I prayed to her what I was wishing and planning to do when we get to the province. So ayun, we attended the 10am mass. And then nung matapos na ang mass, we went outside to rest for a while. When I was on the verge of smiling na, my mom approached me, handed me her phone and let me read the message from my aunt. It read, "Tin, wala na jud si mama. Gikuha na siya ni Lord ganinang 3:15am" and then she inserted a message at the bottom, "huwag mo muna sabihin sa kanila." Pinigilan ko pa yung luha ko pero ang hirap! I was asking pa my cousin if she knew it already so I asked her to go somewhere na konti lang ang tao and malayo sa brothers ko. While we were walking, bumuhos na ung luha ko. That was why my cousin was so silent the whole time because when we woke up that morning, nabasa niya na pala yung message but she didn't have the courage to tell me because she knows maghysterical ako. So kung may nakita kayo guys na 2 girls na umiiyak at the back of the church, kami po yun. It was very heartbreaking lang talaga na I just prayed and then ang bilis ng answer Niya but then it was the opposite of what I was asking.
Hindi ko kinaya na pigilan yung luha ko so the entire trip, my tears kept falling on my cheeks. You could just imagine na fish eyes ako nung medyo nahimasmasan ako and fell asleep. After that news, hindi na ako mapakali and I wanted to book a flight agad2x but my mom told us na sabay2x na kami so we managed to get there May 29 already. And I burst into tears na naman when I saw Mama at the coffin na. It was sadness, heartbreak, panghihinayang, reminiscing of good memories and guilt rolled into one. And seeing her face pa inside the coffin, you can really feel that she was fighting for her life.
So ngayon I am just praying to God that I hope, kahit in my dreams, I can speak with her and she can listen to what I would say, I can ask her if she is happy, and to see her happy on where she is now and most especially, I can ask sorry for not being there when she needed me. Until now, I feel that I am a failure as her daughter because nanghihinayang ako that I haven't given her the best that I could give. Last usap pa namin was about her asking me in a very makulit manner as to why I wasn't settling down pa. Haay... But still I'm praying for her to find peace with our Creator. July 5 pa naman yung 40th day niya so I'm really praying to talk to her first before she joins God in heaven.
Mama, I love you so much. I hope you're happy on where you are right now and I hope you're also happy for me. Continue to guide me Mama, kayo ni Tatay, and always remember na you can still talk to me kahit sa dreams ko nalang. Enjoy kayo ni Tatay sa heaven and I hope you'll find peace with Tatay up there.
Guys, please help me pray for my Mama's soul that she may find peace eternally with Tatay and our Heavenly Father. And always remember guys to treasure every moment with your parents and family while they're still alive. Til here guys, XO!
Below is the video clip of some photos we got in her closet. The video was done by St. Peter Funeral Services - Iligan. I would deeply thank them for this nice vid and for the solemn and very well-planned funeral services.
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